Tuesday, November 30, 2004
When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms
When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms
On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.
This was the scene of ten years ago.
The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.
Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.
Dew came into my life.
It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her.
Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls’ eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful; you will be very attractive to girls. Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn't help doing so.
I moved Dew's hands aside and said, you go to select some furniture, O.K.? I've got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised her to go and see with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.
However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew s body. This was the means of my entertainment.
One day I said to her in a slight joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.
When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking with her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.
Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.
When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I've got something to tell you, I said.
She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want to divorce. I raised a serious topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I'm serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!
At that night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement, which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one-day. But I could not take back what I had said.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce that had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.
A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fell asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.
She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month's time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken.
She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.
I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage with a romantic form.
I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, let us start from today, don t tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for bus and I drove to office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked this carefully and intimately at this woman for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.
On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vaguer.
On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.
I didn't tell Dew about this.
I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, it seems not difficult to carry you now.
She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown fatter. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.
Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it s time to carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old.
I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn't notice what our life lacked was such intimacy.
I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door.
I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won t divorce. I’m serious.
She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into cry. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.
When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife, which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me to write the greeting words on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.
Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, it is the realization of how much you already have.
Posted by LiTTle-FooT at 2:33 PM with 0
Monday, November 29, 2004
We live in a pathologically dissatisfied world because we love to compare. Take a look at wealth. When we drive our old Honda, it really suits us fine. We feel blessed in fact when the rain pours outside and we feel snug and cozy on its faded upholstered seats.
But the moment we see our own office mate (or neighbor, or buddy, or cousin, or brother) drive his sleek sky-blue, four-door, four-wheel-drive Mercedez, we automatically feel like third-class children of God.
Next time we drive our bumpy, noisy, rusted, dilapidated Honda,(notice how all the defects come out all of a sudden?), we feel deprived, dispossessed, pariah, debased, and only a little higher than the insects of the earth.
Listen carefully. Bill Gates total assets are worth $60 billion. That's more than the GNP of some small countries. Tiger Woods earns $80 million simply by smiling on TV in a Nike shirt. And the stars of the sitcom Friends are paid $750,000 per episode!
No matter how hard you work, there'll still be some people who will be richer than you are. And there'll be some people who will be more beautiful, have more friends, and have more problems.
Try it for once. Stop looking around. Don't compare!
Don't compare his/her nose with your nose.
Don't compare his/her spouse with your spouse.
Don't compare his/her salary with your salary.
Don't compare his/her kids report card with your kids report card.
Don't compare his/her prayer group with your prayer group.
Don't compare his/her cellulite deposits with your cellulite deposits.
For crying out loud, stop comparing and Start living, you'll be happier with your life, guarantee.
This is crucial: The most difficult thing in the world is to be who you are not.
Pretending and trying to be someone else is the official pastime of the human race. (Don't think dogs and cats and cows and horses have this problem.)
The easiest thing in the world is to be yourself.
Be happy. Live!
There must be a reason why God made you tall or short or fat or thin or bumpy all over.
Love who you are. Be happy, it's not that difficult!
Posted by LiTTle-FooT at 2:34 PM with 0
Little Miss Amoeba
Sometimes I wonder why I try so hard. Sometimes I ask myself if its worth it. I think I'm like a little ball of fire. Or perhaps like a dormant volcano. Or maybe I'm just too nice that people bring me for a spin, or take you for granted.
Nice temper != no temper. I guess, I need to remind myself of this, sometimes. It's probably my job to remind others that I can see red too.
Loyalty? Just how much is it worth? As far as I'm concerned, we all need to eat. Does it really matter who feeds us as long as someone feeds us? You know, passion does not just die with affiliations gone.
Does it lie in the art of brain-washing? Or the art of sweet-talk? At the end of it all, there seems to be a personal agenda to everything. All neatly placed "in good faith" and putting yourself in "good stead". There are just too many mongers in the market today. They all sell one commodity, fish. Yes, SELL-FISH.
The heart does feel. It does not lie. I'm dead practical and realistic, a very typical Taurean trait. The head does rule the heart. But while the head can lie and try to deceive even yourself, the heart does not.
The world is too complicated for a single-celled animal like me. Call me an amoeba.
Posted by LiTTle-FooT at 10:55 AM with 0
Friday, November 26, 2004
I love this place and it bears many of my fondest memories.
Except for the obvious, I'm happy that there were many more better memories before then. 2 nights ago, I was there again. It's undergoing a major revamp now and many things have changed. I hardly recognise the place anymore. Still, it has the same charm it did years ago.
Some of my most beautiful memories were spent here. I studied for my exams here. It was one of my favourite haunts during my younger days. With my friends from AVA, with my first 3 month's classmates and with my jc classmates. Junior college was when I spent some of my wildest and happiest times of my life. The time when you're young and innocent, almost like an adult but not quite there yet..I guess demanding teachers somewhat made the class more united than it would have been too.
I never thought I'd be able to step in this place again without remembering the sad stories. I guess, I did it. The airport should be a happy place. It signifies the beginning of a holiday, of a well deserved break..at least, that's what I think it should be.
Posted by LiTTle-FooT at 1:43 AM with 0
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Life of A Programmer
It has come to a time in my life where logic completely takes over everything in my life. My training in school and at my work place has taught and conditioned me to be so. So much so that every single thing about my life, my likes and dislikes, my happy and my sad, the peopple around me, the way I make decisions and solve problems are based largely on the same logic as that of a programmer.
It seems, that almost everything in life, can be written in if-elses. It seems so mechanical, and even sad. Sad, because have we human beings degenerated into some robotic fools? Void of emotions and senses? Have we lost the ability to feel and touch?
Are we really in such a pathetic state? Perhaps in the society we live in, yes. Because there's a pressing need to be realistic and practical. The innate survivial instinct in us rises. Do or die. At other times, maybe self before others. It sounds really cruel to me. There are probably many things in life we wished we'll never need to do.
Actually, can everything be written in if and elses? I WISH. Then life will be much simpler. Bosses will be simpler, Friends will be simpler, Men will be simpler and Women will be simpler, life will be simpler, don't you think?
Posted by LiTTle-FooT at 10:59 AM with 1
Monday, November 22, 2004
Freedom of Choice
Yes, I have activities every weekend. My parents have long given up on how I'm always out of the house, once too often. Sometimes, its kayaking, sometimes its climbing a mountain, sometimes, chalet or just catching up with a couple of frineds etc...Its all part and parcel of life.
Today, 2 more people commented that I seem to have so many activities all the time. Every weekend, almost. There's one thing in common...these people are either attached or newly weds. My reason is obvious. I don't have a wife. Hmm..of cos I don't have a wife. I'm perfectly straight (at least for the moment). But, I don't have a husband either. :P
It's something I value, something called freedom. It doesn't take much common sense to see that I live my life relishing every moment of it. You live just once, too short for regrets. Life may not be great and smooth sailing always, but I treasure the freedom I have. Very much.
Well, even if I was not single, I guess life does not stop there. In fact, life has just begun. I would say it's a totally different joy altogether in a class of its own. I don't see what's stopping the "married-s" and "attach-s" from enjoying life the way it should be. I mean, I do admit that with committments come responsibilities but...you are what you want yourself, your life and your family to be. There's no such thing as no time but rather, do you honestly want to do something or make it happen, or does that option take a back seat while you're prioritising? You do have a choice to make things come true, even if you're left with little choice. I'd say, "No Choice" is also a choice.
X'mas is around the corner, I smell more gatherings and festivities coming up...
Posted by LiTTle-FooT at 2:22 PM with 1
Thursday, November 18, 2004
Typing Speeds, Emails & IMs
Make a wild guess, how did you think I managed to type so fast and without looking at the keyboard? Was it my computer science training? Did I attend secretarial courses? What?
There was a time I was so crazy with the school network system that we could simply be sitting in the terminal rooms and be incessantly typing chat messages to each other. Those were the days I remember, all 7 of us in the terminal rooms, sitting side by side, discussing where to go after class. The little black screen with green courier fonts were really intriguing then. That was in 1997.
Fast forward, I graduated. Did my typing speed improve? Not really. After years of writing for (int i=0; i
It was not until I started working that I picked up this magical skill. Day in and day out, with the amount of coordination work, enormous workload (not forgetting the overtime), the tremendous emails, the neverending streams of phone calls, the levels of multitasking amidst all the technical work I was involved in. It all became breeze. Never a day past with too little work done. I learnt to talk to people about one subject while typing out an email about another. Now that is why, it is very important to be able to type without looking at the keyboard. At home, its a luxury too cos I can now watch tv and type chat messages or emails at the same time.
Well, typing emails out (and reading them) in proper English is probably one of the better ways to improve your typing speed as well as English too. And it does fulfill the human need to communicate with one another while reserving your personal space to be anti-social. Apparently, we can do this concurrently with as many people as you like. For a third reason, I can send an email my boss/users when I have no wish to see/hear his/her face/voice.
Well, well..I think I have a jolly attitude to tame. :P
Posted by LiTTle-FooT at 5:23 PM with 0
Saturday, November 13, 2004
Encounter with Chek Jawa
My butt is split by now. I'm surprisingly unburnt and unscathed. I'm tired but satisfied.
I've been to Ubin too many times to recall. It has been a good day out with enough sun and enough rain. Chek Jawa, heard about it once too often and disappointed each time I go there with the intention of paying the place a visit.
I'm not feeling too good, there have been many many things on my mind recently, and it's disturbing me. I cannot do something about it, yet I don't have the ability to ignore it.
The openness, the fresh air, the rural feel. What can be better than a fruitful day well spent? What more when it allows you to dispense of all your energy.
It was low tide. You can see the shore line very far away. Amazing life form exists in the most unnerving circumstances. To be constantly reminded of the beauty and greatness of Mother Nature.
The soft spongy sea bed filled with seaweed. Cute little crabs. Soft clay-y sand, perfect for a spa. The vast land, breathing in the sights and the smells sets you mind at ease immediately with its calming effect. You seem to forget your troubles for an instant.
I love nature.
Posted by LiTTle-FooT at 2:40 AM with 0
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Its Deepavali tomorrow! I'm going Ubin. Err...that's not the main thing.
I have not been working the whole of this week. Super slacker. It sure feels good to see the sun in super casual attire. It feels good to be sitting at a half empty food court for lunch. It feels good to be out there breathing the fresh air. It feels good to do what I wanna do whenever I wanna do. I guess best of all, I managed to watch a cheap Tues movie at 415pm in the evening...
Freedom is in the air and its SHIOK!
That's my holiday for me. Life is beautiful.
Posted by LiTTle-FooT at 2:11 AM with 0
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
What Women Want
What do women really what? Love? Family? Money? Possessions? Friends? Power? Career? I should think none. What women really want, I have no idea myself. It's not easy to understand oneself. Till today, I'm still trying to understand myself. It's not easy cos human beings are hard to phantom and they are ever changing.
I cannot say what women really want for all womanhood. But I can safely say, all I want to do is to be happy. Do the things I like to do at the time I want, when I want and be able to do them. Guess, I must be day dreaming.
Till then, I think I will continue to dream.
No dreams = no future.
Posted by LiTTle-FooT at 3:36 AM with 1
Little Things That Matter
Every little thing counts. We all know it but yet refuse to acknoledge the fact. We don't know what we're missing out on by underestimating the power of what we think is insignificant.
Publicity & marketing is no simple feat. It looks simple, yet the thought process that goes into it. Every customisation to make it work for you is as different as night and day. It's backstage work not seen by anyone.
First aid, we all agree its important and very important. Yet, how many people really understand the true value it brings? First aid, truly, is just simple, general knowledge, coupled with stress management.
Team dynamics. How many people truly understand the power of team dynamics? Break a chain and you lose the whole team. My previous company paid an expensive lesson to learn that. Nothing beats getting the feeling of being able to work, not mention to bond with the people around you for a common objective, no matter how tough the going gets.
Posted by LiTTle-FooT at 1:00 AM with 0
Friday, November 05, 2004
Care and Concern
Under the masquerade of _care and concern_, some _friends_ just have their means and ways of wanting to find out about your juicest bits. They have their _sources_ to feed them with plenty of information, yet _sources_ today, remainly highly secretive.
Now, what kind of friends are these? They are typically your colleauges, or ex-colleauges or someone you thought was your _friend_. So, what's so juicy about the entire business?
It may sound weird. They don't seem to be interested in anything else except issues regarding where you are working or where you will be working next and whether you are at risk of being outsourced. It's weird how some people still have to ask you when they already have their _reliable sources_.
Does it really matter at all?
Posted by LiTTle-FooT at 1:26 AM with 0
You Don't Know Me
I'm not seeking agreement. Neither do I need permission from anyone to do the things I like to do. You are not me and I am not you. You don't understand me any more than I don't understand you. I love doing what I do and that's all that matters. Doing what I enjoy and going where my heart wills. Its for those who truly share the joy to appreciate.
Posted by LiTTle-FooT at 1:04 AM with 0
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Rhythm Of The Rain
Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain...
Telling me just what a fool I've been.
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain.
And let me be alone again...
It's raining again..cats and dogs. Here I am, trapped in this building, away from the outside world. It's been raining almost everyday now. I hate rain. It's cold, heartless, cloudy and makes one moody. Yet, I love rain for the fact it brings back happy moments.
Just today, it brought me back to my school days again. Freedom it was, to enjoy a slow unhurried walk in the rain and no umbrellas. It was just one of the few crazy things that came with being a young thing. It's been a long long time ever since I've done something like that. But as chance would have it, I have been walking in the rain a lot over the past few weeks since the monsoon's around the corner. Whether it was a walk in the wilderness or tucked away in a laid back countryside...Hmm, ok, there were the mad dashes for the traffic lights as well.
It's been that many years but the same feeling of peace from within surfaces again and again. Soaked in the rain and being oblivious to the fact it was raining. It has this relaxing and calming effect that brings about a sense of serenity and seems to be able to allay your fears, stress and problems.
Rainy weather is not such a bad thing afterall...
Provided you don't end up sick in bed...
Posted by LiTTle-FooT at 4:53 PM with 1
Next Time You Fall In Love
Next Time You Fall In Love
I'm guess I'm not too good at keeping love alive for long.
I think I've found the answers but the answer's always wrong.
My first love was my true love and it should have been my last.
The only time I'm happy's when im dreaming in the past.
Next time you fall in love it better be with me the way it used to be.
Back then, was when we touched the Starlight.
Sometimes you turn away from what your heart tells you is right,
And so you settle for whatever gets you through the night.
The flame you thought was dead may suddenly begin too burn.
And broken hearts can be repaired thats somthing that you learn.
I've relived every moment that i've ever shared with you.
What fools we were to end a dream that looked like coming true.
Next time you fall in love it better be with me the way it used to be.
Back then, was when we touched the Starlight.
Posted by LiTTle-FooT at 11:09 AM with 1
Love vs Computer Games
I was talking to a colleauge about computer games and computer animation yesterday. This was what he said, "It's already so difficult to play, still want to write." Heh...I agree. Computer graphics and animation is not a simple thing.
Yesterday night, I had another conversation with someone else. Love is like a computer game and its the kind that doesn't come with cracks or secret passwords. Either I'm stupid, or its just not my cup of tea. Its too tough for my IQ. And before you know it, its game over.
Each relationship has a life span.. You collect merits and demerits as you go along. You never know what you're gonna get and each scenario is different from the next. (Goodness knows what went on in the programmers mind). Everything is about trying your luck or pushing your luck. Take it a step too far and things can fall apart. And when its too late to salvage, you justt have to start from the beginning again.
If its "Street Fighter", you get many other contenders who will compete for the attention of your "better half". Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. Again, if you do lose, you start from contender 1 in stage 1 all over again.
There are also stupid computer games too. It's very simple to understand and play yet extremely addictive (like tetris and the likes). No matter how much you tell yourself you have other things to settle. But somehow, some way or another, you just find yourself being pulled in without even knowing it yourself. Is this temptation? All I know is that once you're in, it's hard to realise how deep you've gone, even harder to get yourself out.
Even though you seem to have played it 100 times, each time is just different from the last. The difference lies in how long you survive in the game. But the ending is always the same. GAME OVER.
Hmm..if I ever find out who invented this crazy thing, I'll ask him why. Or perhaps, its a her.
Posted by LiTTle-FooT at 11:00 AM with 0
Monday, November 01, 2004
Psychedelic Pain. Feel the Burn..
I'm in pain again (and I collected a few more 'souvenirs' yesterday). Then again, it feels good. I think I'm psychotic by allowing myself to revel in such self inflicted torture. My body is aching from 2 (soon to be 3) days of continuous exercising. It's ok, the 3rd session will rid me of the "ecstasy" mode I'm currently on. That'll be, tonight.
The difference between going to a gym and making the nature your gym is in the enjoyment. The rush of adrenalin is inexplicable. I finally see why there are people who get so hooked onto exercising. Going thru a motion with an objective in mind beats going through the motion for the sake of it just to satisfy our own 'self-discipline'.
It's strange why people are willing to pay to be tortured but I am looking forward to the next session :)
Posted by LiTTle-FooT at 9:40 AM with 0